Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy
Most couples who come to therapy aren't there because they don't love each other. They're there because they keep having the same fight, or because they've stopped having any real conversations at all, or because something has happened that broke trust and they're not sure whether it can be repaired. They're there because two people who once chose each other are now feeling more like adversaries than partners.
Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy, or EFT, is the approach I use with couples. It's one of the most well-researched couples therapies in existence, with a strong track record for producing lasting improvements not just in how couples communicate on the surface, but in the emotional bond underneath.
What EFT Is Actually About
EFT was developed by Dr. Sue Johnson and is grounded in attachment theory: the idea that humans have a deep, biologically-rooted need for secure connection with the people closest to them, and that most relationship conflict is, at its core, about that need not being reliably met.
When couples get stuck, they usually get stuck in a pattern. One person pursues (criticizes, presses, escalates) and the other withdraws. Or both withdraw. Or both escalate. These patterns aren't random: they're strategies, rooted in each person's history and attachment style, that originally made sense as ways to manage fear, pain, or disconnection. In the relationship, they've become self-defeating: the very things each person does to try to feel more connected are what's pushing the other away.
EFT helps couples see and name those patterns, understand what's driving them at an emotional level, and gradually change them. EFT does this not by teaching communication scripts (a common strategy in Gottman and other couples therapy approaches), but by changing the emotional experience underneath the communication.
What Couples Therapy with Me Looks Like
EFT typically unfolds in stages. The first is de-escalation: helping the two of you step out of the pattern enough to see it more clearly, understand what each of you is actually feeling underneath your positions, and begin to approach the conflict differently.
The second stage is deeper: helping each of you express the more vulnerable emotions that usually don't make it out, such as fear of losing the relationship, grief about the distance that's developed, longing for connection that may have been there for years but never said clearly. And helping your partner actually receive those things, which is often harder than expressing them.
The third stage is consolidation: applying the new emotional language and patterns of interaction to ongoing issues, so the changes hold over time.
Couples therapy works best when both partners are genuinely committed to working at it. It is not a passive process. But the approach is not about assigning blame or declaring a winner. My job is to be an ally to the relationship, not to either partner individually.
When to Seek Couples Therapy
I work with couples at various stages, not just crisis. The couples who tend to get the most out of EFT include:
Couples caught in repetitive conflict patterns that never fully resolve
Couples experiencing significant emotional distance or disconnection
Couples navigating a major breach of trust
Couples dealing with the relational impact of one partner's anxiety, depression, or substance use
Couples who are functioning reasonably well but feel like something important has been lost
Working With Me
I see couples in person at my office in Oakland. I work outside of insurance, which means sessions are fully confidential. I offer a free 20-minute consultation. For couples, this is a chance to briefly discuss what's going on and whether EFT and working with me seems like a reasonable fit before committing to anything.